Directions

It’s been a week for soul searching, back in Maastricht after a hectic road trip, then tired and sleepless getting readjusted. Dead plants and live problems to sort out, flopping around a bit in the quiet apartment.  The days have gotten very short, and workdays are getting increasingly stressed.

It’s all becoming lonely, and I have to reflect on why, what preference, led here. I know that I have not been a good partner in years, too often absent or distracted, sometimes preoccupied or volatile.  I think that the good times far outweigh the bad, but still, it’s come to this and it’s hard.

Over morning coffee, a friend suggested that I go back to basics of what I expect of a relationship.  I hold to archetypes that caught my fancy when I was very young, role models I hoped to grow up to be.  Do we give up when they don’t come true?

Another suggested that I look to myself, and I thought of 72 qualities that could make me occasionally difficult.  Good for self-improvement but not much of a comfort.

Another suggested reading insightful literature, but when I visited the bookstore, all of the books were Dutch. I’m not quite to that level.

And, I think, needing to move is surfacing thoughts about not only where, but how, I want to live.

All in all, it’s defining but not evolving the issues.

Relationships are wonderful / relationships are hard.